Forum Thread

General Idea
Okay, so this is a thread for those who roleplay on here to get critism and ways to improve their roleplaying skills. So, here's how it works:
User 1:*rates user above* *states things*
User 2: 8/10 You are an okay Roleplayer, but your grammar could use some improvement.

Rules:
-No being rude
-No spam posting
-No not stating a reason

So, without further ado...
Let the Forum Game Begin!

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//inhales

Zane had just come back from his guitar lessons, which he put a lot of passion into. He stood at the doorway to his house and knocked on the front door, waiting to be let in. After about fifteen seconds a young girl with messy brown hair stood at the door "Come on in Zane." she greeted him as he stepped inside, the familiar smell of his mother's pie made his stomach rumble. Though he was quite surprised he could smell it from the far away, putting those thoughts aside his gaze shifted as he noticed the same girl that had let him in go up the stairs. "Where are you going Kate?" Zane asked but before he got an answer she was already out of sight.

Disappointed Zane made his way into the kitchen, he wanted some pie. He didn't get a bite to eat when he left an hour ago, his mother noticed him cut a small slice of pie and grab the rest and put it on a large paper plate "Oh no you don't." she scolded him as she took the paper plate from his hands, she simply swapped the two pieces of pie and gave him a fork, then beckoned him out of the kitchen. Zane looked at the small piece of pie and shrugged, it was better than nothing. He walked up the stairs towards his room, his feet made the stairs creak and grumble loudly, and unpleasantly step after step.

After lugging himself and his guitar up the stairs he walked down the hallway until he reached a large red door. He pushed it open and walked inside, dropping his guitar case on the ground and making a break for his bed. He sat on his bed and ate his pie contently, after a few mouthfuls he heard a knock, his head shifted side to side to see where the noise was coming from. He then noticed a boy with messy blonde hair standing in front of his window on top of the roof, Zane rolled his eyes and unlocked his window as the boy slid inside his room "We have something called a door Hunter." Zane teased him. But Hunter paid him no mind "Just dropped in to say hello." he said as if what Zane had said never happened.

"It's rude to let yourself in someone else's house." Zane sighed and took a bite of his pie. "Oh come on, I'm not a stranger. Cut me some slack, at least say my entrance was awesome." Hunter grinned playfully. Zane almost choked on his pie, awesome was an overstatement. Finishing the rest of his pie he threw the paper plate in the disposal bin in the corner of his room. Zane grabbed his notepad and started scribbling on the first page then put the note on Hunter's forehead. It was labeled 'Get out' "Jeez, you don't have to be rude." Hunter muttered, "No seriously I hear someone coming." Zane yelped as they both heard a knock on the door. Zane reacted quickly and shoved Hunter in his closet and closed the door just as Kate came in "I need to borrow a pencil." she said plainly. Zane played it cool and put a pencil in Kate's hand "There ya go." he said, putting on a poker-face. He was screaming and panicking on the inside.

"'Kay thanks, Zane." Kate left the room closing the door behind her, Zane collapsed on the ground, sitting on the carpet. "Can I come out now?" he heard Hunter say "Y-yeah.." he stuttered, shaken up by the sudden event. Hunter came out of the closet and sat down next to him "So what happened while I was stuck in the closet of doom?" Zane pushed Hunter gently, today was going to be a long day.

i could probably write more but meh

Omfg 10/10 right there.

Arianna let out a hiss of pain as she fell from the branch, her foot landing at an awkward angle. Pain shot up her leg, making her grit her teeth. She tried to stand, but wobbled and gripped the tree trunk for help. Harrison came behind her, and gave her a piteous look. "Want a little help there?" He asked, voice higher than usual, which often happened when he talked to girls. The girl turned and nodded politely, causing the boy to pick her up, carrying her bridal style. "W-woah!" She gasped, eyes widening, but then returning to normal size. Harrison snickered and spoke, "Ya know I love to sweep girls off their feet." His high voice disappeared as the leaves did from Arianna's view. She smiled and giggled, face flushing a little. Her brown hair swung with every step her friend took, even though he only took soft, light steps.

Harrison set her onto the bench when they passed one at the park, and took off her shoe and sock, looking at the ankle for swollenness or redness. He smiled and looked at her. "You only pulled a few muscles." He said, slipping her shoe and sock back on.
Ibecamelazy

7/10

Good grammar, but it could be longer if you were doing a Literate RP.

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Luna narrowed her eyes, closing in on the opposing Espeon. "Hey!" the Absol snapped, giving her a good scare. She snickered as she scrambled back onto her paws after falling. "You," she growled, swiping at her face with a paw. But she was prepared and dove back. "You want to fight me, knowing I have an army?" she cooed tauntingly. "Pfft, as if!" Luna whirled around, stalking off, flicking her tail back and forth. She turned her head so only one eye could see the Espeon. "Oh, and don't think you can beat us."

As she was coming home, she was attacked. The Espeon from earlier had brought several Pokémon, including an Umbreon with floating wings, a blue and grey Larvesta with goggles, and a grey and pastel Amaura. She recognized them at once. "Leli, Aquarix, Ashei, I thought you were loyal to me," Luna snapped, growling. Now she noticed, almost all of her army was there. "We saw how you treated Mystique," Leli growled. "I'll have you know she's my sister. So...How would you react to...this!"

Suddenly, Luna's world went black, and the last thing she saw was Leli smirking with a paw resting on her throat.