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dear diary,
believe it or not, time studying has actually paid off; I passed all of my exams. this is great news, as it's one less thing i have to worry about now!
my health is getting a little better too, probably because it's not that cold anymore and i eat at reasonable times.

i'm worrying about my mental health more, since now there's guaranteed freetime to make lots of mistakes. my sleeping schedule is a bit all over the place now, i have nightmares and wake up constantly when I finally managed to fall asleep. I don't know how to remedy it yet, i thought about cutting away the caffeine for a while.

I really want to go outside once I'm feeling well enough, maybe listen to an audiobook or music while taking a walk around a lake. I really do like the thought of it, but I'm still to scared to leave home.

I'm already having that looming feeling of boredom, even while doing something.
Even considering to simulate university and listen to some lectures every day so it at least feels like i'm doing something meaningful with my time - and hey, maybe i learn some additional stuff. doesn't even have to be my majors, right?

I can't fathom that february is almost coming to an end. Feels like it had just begun some days ago ... time flies.

---

on a less self doubting note, playing a lot of different games like i started doing now is very inspirational! i wish i could do something creative with that energy.
also have to admit that games after dark souls feel... easy? i think that game broke some of my brain settings haha

---

i keep looking up the lyrics for blood eagle so here's a link (x)

!!!!! NEW PERIPHERY SONG!!!
GARDEN IN THE BONES
HOLY SMOKES MY SOFT GUITARS HAVE ARRIVED


i'm glad to hear that I'm not the only person who listens to new material like that haha

art design is 50% i love it omg 50% please stop i'll have a stroke soon

open letter to ryuji:
listen here you discount kanji. I already had crushes on the likes of you, stop being a moron and we might get along.
otherwise prepare to be drowned in my love.
edit: so he's like a mixture of kanji and yosuke,,

rens persona is called 'arsene' and i can't get started to tell you why this is bothering me lmao

is it concerning that i heavily sympathise with kamoshida and would probably be the same way if I was some bigshot?
it's probably concerning.

if i had to marry any character in the game i would choose sojiro because i adore this man so much

yusukes voice is... aaaaAAAA
i've never liked guys like him but now i kinda love him too x.x

I HAVE FALLEN AND I CANT GET UP

>beach episode
>everyone will be in swimwear
>lei_elation.png
>YUSUKE SHOWS UP WEARING A HOODIE

I can feel that the game is coming to a crawling close (cause all my confidants and stats are getting maxed out) and i'm not sure how to feel about that. on one hand i love finishing games so i can delete them off my drive but on the other hand... i'm having fun?? this is fun.

i love/hate handsome detective prince akechi™
he's a giant douche, but these are my weakness as well.......

is it weird that the only thing going through my mind right now is "can i put the swimwear costume on akechi, and how naked will he be"
anime is destroying society

AKECHI NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

loved the real ending. this was honestly one of the most enjoyable games i've ever played.

you even just listen to something and your only thought is:
"I don't deserve this, it's too good"

ok ok recap, lps
-periphery
-this time it's personal
-select difficulty
-hail stan
In my mind all these are inside jokes in a way /// hee

on the first few listenings I kinda thought that icarus lives! and blood eagle are sister tracks, but looking up the lyrics I remember that blood eagle is that one execution/torture method, and the lyrics are so grizzly and aaaa
if that's setting the mood for the whole album i might've found my vent cd
rip the body from the bone now
spread the heavens wings
____
pleading to the sky once more
weeping for the self
for the abandoned children of christ
have been laid to waste on the shelf

they also let jake sing on the single, and I hope he gets more parts throughout the album, because I think he's actually pretty decent?? he's not like, a force of nature like spencer but still.
ALSO MARK SHAKES HIS HAIR LIKE A GOD IN THE MV ♥ ♥ ♥

"[...] philosophy is not a subject for plato, it's a love, an eros, a hunger. to be a philosopher, according to plato, we have to be hungry, we have to be invested in the drama of ideas to understand them. we can never sit back passively and just be amused by them [...]"

"did you have that dream again?
release, breathe
you're receiving what you've send",
said she,
"never mind
emptiness, dead eyes and lost what you've found"

scarlet spikes is too powerful to exist

how long can a man enjoy what he doesn't feel?

I adore daidouji ♡♡ she's the coolest thing ever

mains atm: daidouji ((i figured that leveling up the girls make them a lot more usable, so i really don't have a top 3 yet i guess, need some more leveling - i do love shikis set though)

now in the endspurt my motivation is completely drained, I don't wanna do anything. Just sit, or sleep, or eat. there's more things in life but i can't bring myself to care about all these texts ...

(considering car-parts situation)
i feel pretty bad now, but i think it made me realize that i have to focus on someone else in the future, not him. that ship has sailed.
I'm okay with it. I like having time for my own things, i don't have time for a significant other anyways. i just wish it wouldn't break my heart like that.

i'm sorry
i just throw you away

You know, at times I don't even really know how to handle this thing called "life". I'm constantly feeling sorry for myself, which is cancerous and stupid as all hell. I spent today doing school stuff only and not a aingle depressing thought has crossed my mind. It was kinda cool. To be honest, it took me ages to get started, but it paid off on the end. Maybe I should catalyse this negativity into something productive once it takes over? Novel idea, i know. It worked once, i'd have to test it out a couple of times to make sure.
There's the "looming threat" of like two months free time, where i've got plenty of time to get depressed bored with myself even while playing video games or doing anything else I enjoy really. I was thinking about creating some kind of battle-plan, like a list of stuff i can do in a current condition. I guess that's topic of a newer post.

why you're looking so beautiful to me now
when you're so sad?

i've recognised the glow of your low beams numerous times
through fairly opaque blinds in the sitting room
vehicles will pass by, but I know when it's you



i wish billy talent would record more material like kingdom of zod
it has the energy of the first album but the spirit if the last one //

escape from midwich valley x bottomless pit?
DAMN

love psalm is such a banger i love it so much

i can't remember the last time i played a game where nobody was interesting me, not sure if this is a game fault, a character fault or if I'm empty inside

I'm constantly anxious about everything i do, gets to the point where i just walk around and forget to eat. it's really 2 modi i have: always eating or never eating.

trying to write more, but dang i think my vocabulary shrunk, i sound like a 3rd grader. what can i even do about that

redbone x no love is a masterpiece

i completely fell in love with byakuya togami and i'm not even mad about it

i need to slowly start with doing school stuffs but I really don't feel like it at all. being at home foing nothing might slowly turn my insane but it kinda beats going outside... the coming month will be full of exams and papers to write until i'm free again in mid february; i say "free", i need to write a paper thesis over the break. I hope i can finish it quickly enough so i can laze about for a month, but planning ahead like that is never working out in my favour.

not p4 but clear-related
i didn't know that every song is composed by one of the band members, this was eye-opening /// my boi mark did my favourite track without me even realizing it haha

yes!! 2019 it is then


ITS BLACK
I WAS WONDERING ABOUT THIS SOME POSTS AGO
ITS BLACK
HNGGG CONFIRMED BY MISHA


prob working names for some of the songs, i'm very intrigued!!


unrelated but


also all the update snippets sound so great aaaa
they're also super heavy like, woah
from what I know nolly is the last to record the bass lines, so maybe
s o o n

new ashley skin///////// i probably won't be able to get it but loOKIE


the newer skins in general look mega gorgeous and it makes me cry that they are awfully hard to get (((bride skins of kratos and nobunaga????)

exorcist helm knight and athena crusader skins??? NICE

so i was collecting diamonds for the prayer tree event, cause i wanna get the new girl zeta
but even after 20 pulls and the gift after that i didn't get her
i got selene instead, i was hunting for her for quite a while but she is a lot less exclusive
also got nani, not sure what to do with her yet. i wanted some kickass sx front girl but both selene and nani are middleground
alas i got the strawberry cake girl (i forgot her name) and she's a front, so there's that

1. 10x flying gem
2. mega able egg (mega milotic)
3. 20x dream point
4. 200x game chip
5. 20x wiki berry
6. 10x fairy gem
7. 3x great ball
8. 1x dragon scale
9. 1x event plushie
10. mega able egg (mega flygon)
11. 1x mystery box (green)
12. 1x christmas gift
13. 15x persim berry
14. 5x pokeball
15. 1x mystery box (red)
16. mega able egg (mega claydol)
17. 500x game chip
18. 1x leaf stone
19. 1x mystery box (brown)
20. 1x event plushie
21. 1x dna splicer (white)
22. 1x event plushie
23. mega able egg (mega luxray)
24. 1x week premium

from all of the vacancy "nothing to hide" must br my favourite track. so many textures, i hear something new every time. very dreamy/echo-y. love that one.

finally finished the witcher 3 and uhh?? apparently being an overprotective dad gets you the bad ending, who would've thunk. ah well, enjoyed it quite a lot, 40+ hours well spend. now just the dlcs left and then I can put the game to rest.

speaking of the witcher 3, keira x lambert???
hell yea, i approve of this ship, they're both prickly gross people and fit perfectly together. love their chemistry. glad they ended up together.
though in all honesty, lei wanted lambert all for herself

hngg all of frutuoso's stuff is so awesome, glad I could gather all his albums. I wonder what he's up to now that silent hill isn't a thing anymore. almost as good as yamaoka's stuff, i'm telling you.

idek what's next for the bigger gaming plans, probs finish pokemon um and diablo first? the spyro trilogy and dark souls III can wait a bit. I really gotta see what intrigues me most, rn it probs would be monster hunter: world and mgs: V, but these are so recent that I think I really should attack older games /// thinking about fallout 4, only heard bad things about it so far, see if it's true. (exact same thing goes for far cry 4))

I spent sooo much freaking money this month (nov), it's ridiculous. I should really take more consideration into how much I actually have, now december is ushering in and I don't have any cash for christmas/new years eve. I should make it a next years reaolution to spend less ((although I won't buy as many games now since I have everything I really really wanted now))

not a day passes when I'm not thinking about periphery 4.
I really need this in my life.
I need to know what colour the album will have this time /shot
i'm guessing green or purple; 1 was blue, 2 was red, 3 was yellow, alpha&omega were uhh... orange and turquoise? icarus lp was dark blueish and clear was... clear

also yandhi(?) coming out soon, how 'bout that. Kinda flew under my radar, but youtube should remind me when it really does come out

can you believe that the year's almost over again?
I can't. No idea what to do yet, main plan for now is stashing up some gud stuff and stay up as long as I can, playing games, and when the year rolls over I'll take a walk outside. I wanted to pick something very gripping title for the christmas/new year, thinking about persona v or the dmc remake. But eh, still about a month until then, maybe something will change

started acid therapy again (23/11/18), hope it won't hurt too much. i thought it won't burn but now it does haha
If there are no results after 2 weeks I'll leave it be, though I have good hope. I should actually apply that stuff twice daily but i settled on once nightly; reminder to not skip a day! I really want my skin to become better.

I've been giving this sm weedle chain all my love and support, but still I'm not very lucky with it. slightly above 2k now after a month, really convnsidering to break it, but I spent sooo much resources on it...... it would be a shame. I don't have anything else to to but hunting all the ubs anyways, so I should actually stick to this chain to the end. I don't even have a name for the sm picked.
maybe that helps? |D
m: robitaille
f: dolores

hngg i got amazon prime now, I can watch so many movies and series for free now. I picked a couple of movies already, but I'm not sure when to start all this. for now I still have a few games to complete before I can laze about again, justified

sometimes when I daydream I imagine having terminal cancer and the make-a-wish-foundation brings mark holcomb to my hospital for a private performance.
idk we all had these stupid near death imaginings

my desk
thought I'd share
I'm secretly huge nerd weeb trash

are you with me after all
why can't I hear you
are you with me through it all
then why can't I feel you

---

crying quite a lot these days. I don't know what to do with myself.
acoustic breaking benjamin stuff isn't helping, but I should be empty soon.
I don't feel like doing anything else.
I dropped all activity that doesn't include browsing the internet aimlessly.

kinda want to get back into the things I stopped doing, I'm not sure where to start though.
I have to get better first, I'm sick again; it's been a while.
red update: 5.12.18
green update: 30.12.18
yellow update: 25.1.18

---

⚗ drawing (digital and traditional)
[have enough tools, but I just can't it down for it. I really want to get better at it though, since I started doing digital I kinda neglected drawing on paper]
yea no not gonna happen, I stopped this for good. this is not my domain.

⚗ chatting with the lads
[discord and in rl. I don't let many people near me anymore, but I don't think this is the right way to go]
trying to rekindle. It's half working and half not, seen some of em since when
it's okay if things don't work out as planned. people (de)evolve with time, and like other things. it's not possible to stick together forever, and I guess if we finally realized that we became different people breaking apart is the only reasonable thing to do.
das ist ein offener brief an dich, tris.
(ich hab leider keine umlaute an dem teil, tut mir leid)
hey. wenn du tatsaechlich bist wie ich dann wirst du dies bald gelesen haben. du weisst, dass ich dieses spiel immernoch spiele und dass hier meine gedanken stehen, du hast dich damals noch drueber lustig gemacht. ich hoffe, dir geht es gut und du bist gesund.
als erstes will ich mich unbedingt bei dir entschuldigen. ich habe mich ewig nicht gemeldet und jetzt habe ich deine nummer nicht mehr, oder jegliche andere kontaktmoeglichkeiten. deine mutter meinte, du seist umgezogen, ich habe mich aber nicht getraut sie nach addresse oder nummer zu fragen. ich breue es immernoch.
ich vermisse dich sehr, und denke viel an dich.
wuerde ihm das spiel gefallen? wuerde ihm das lied gefallen? wuerde er da gerne mitessen?
ich muss mich verzweifelt anhoeren.
ich verstehe wenn du mir nicht verzeihen willst. das ist auch okay. ich will nur dass du weisst dass ich dich sehr liebe und noch nie jemand so ein loch in meinem herzen hinterlassen hat. wenn du mich wieder ertragen kannst/willst, bitte melde dich bei mir.

bitte hoer dir auch das mal an, ich sterbe hier ohne das wissen, ob du das schon gehoert haben koenntest. es erinnert mich sehr an den sanften teil in ow my feelings.

alles gute tris.

⚗ watching sorcererDave (morrowind and oblivion)
[i love his stuff, and he's uploading a lot since I stopped watching, but I can't seem to sit down for it. I also want to watch his other lps tbh]
yeeees. all the rage now currently, I'm not doing anything else atm. just yesterday night he uploaded part 70, now i'm at 30, so i still have plenty to watch
i caught up with oblivion, now there even is a nee skyrim series so i could check that one out when i really don't feel like doing anything else. idk why i stopped watching the guy, all the love for him.

⚗ (finishing) video games
[paradise warfare - list. so many great games I initially wanted to get started, but I'm just-- ugh]
i finished diablo 3 amd the witcher 3 at least! my main goal now honestly is pokemon um, and maybe get a little further in the projects i have started as well
feels like i'm not moving forward at all, but my library is full now so that might be why i feel i can't complete anything. good thing it's full now though, so maybe i can feel accomplished bow if i manage to complete some chunk of it

⚗ writing
[so many started projects, but after a while I either run out of ideas or motivation, even with planning beforehand. ahh I just want to get one work finished]
my imagination remains wild, alas I'm still to lazy to write anything down. maybe i should at least start with some notes/scraps? and hope that nobody finds them
uhh so i reread all my past projects and ahh half impressed and half cringing i don't know where to even pick up, so many ideas but not the words to put them to paper. a shame for some of the attempts though.

⚗ reading
[having to read a lot for school takes the fun out of reading for my own entertainment - I want to catch up on the scp pages and finish the books I got recently]
ᵈᵒᵉˢ ᵗʰᵉ ʳᵉᵃᵈᶦⁿᵍ ᶦⁿ ᵛᶦᵈᵉᵒᵍᵃᵐᵉˢ ᶜᵒᵘⁿᵗ

[11/8/18]

i started to feel like such a waste of space again... i'm not having fun at anything, i can't focus on classes or games anymore. i'm trying to convince myself of otherwise but i'm a little hopeless. maybe i'm not cut out for philosophy. maybe i shouldn't concern myself with concepts that are more than 2000 years old. I was so curious and invested in this subject, but now i just want to live and forget, don't think about anything. it feels like i'm punishing myself with all this reading and theorizing.

i'm burned out.
too much of the same thing can't be good for you, i guess.
i think i need a break, pick up something new to reignite my "love of wisdom".

currently i want to do nothing else but rot somewhere and consume unhealthy amounts of unhealthy foods... it's irresponsible and awful, I know. picking up myself is always the most difficult part of these episodes.
I feel like treading in one place, not moving forward at all.

I am seriously doubting my judgement on what is good or harmful to me and my future.

the periphery boys keep teasing with their new material, I can't wait to hear the full thing. So far everything sounds so clean and I can't wait ///

I thought I'd drown in my assignments and homework but I'm actually fine haha, if you sit down and just focus on the stuff you get alright well enough. One subjects mostly takes about 2 hours to prepare, which is a lot better than last semester. Too bad though that my greek is kinda rusty

currently also trying to learn japanese kanji (hiragana) in hopes of actually having that skill under my belt, ouf it's something else. Nothing like any of the languages I learned so far, but I'm taking the challenge. It won't hurt

---

I cannot seem to find the answers
Every truth has slipped away
All that riddles me will never cease to be
Still I search this world in vain
-----
never mind
emptiness
dead eyes and lost what you found
maybe, there on the edge is your hope
but you don't look down, why?
-----
if the world would fall apart
in a fiction worthy wind
I wouldn't change a thing
now that you're here
-----
woah
the other side made my heart skip a few beats and tightened my chest
jesus christ, the voicework and the guitars are just majestic
it's oOZING with passion

it's kinda hard being a member of society, i just can't imagine how people can leave their house everyday. I only have to go outside a few time a week but I'm still terrified of the thought, every day like that feels like I'm heading out to be hanged.
It's not even that bad, nothing even happens most of the time, but this anxiety I feel ties my guts into a knot. it's awful. at this rate it'll be hard to live a normal life.

★3ds:
-ultra moon woah this... was surprisingly a lot harder than I expected. I had issues of getting wiped out quite a couple of times. fun nonetheless, I will attack the after credits stuff somewhen else
-tloz - a link between worlds cute! kinda torn between being to easy and to hard, but other than that I had fun
-fairune cute! a little tricky at times, but cute
-brave dungeon kinda makes me wanna play pokemon mystery dungeon haa

★psvita:
-danganronpa fun!! really didn't expect the end. overall it was a mixed bag but the storytelling and characters were exceptional. My child byakuya is returning in the second part ((((((accidentally spoiled myself))) so i'm actually looking forward to it!
-amnesia I might not be the right demographic for this anymore lmao. It made me realize that, even after loving dating sims/otome games for years, I don't enjoy them anymore. like, at all. It was painful to get through one characters full route set and I decided to stop there. Am i getting old?? cynical?? did my taste somehow change? I feel so weird about this, i never felt this way about a genre, ever.
-danganronpa 2 like the first one, i DEVOURED this game. it took me 35 hours/3 days almost nonstop but it was so worth it :foams at the mouth: loved it.
-senran kagura shinovi versus tfw a game has a lot more content than you ever expected. but man the girls backstories kept me going, it's so hard to choose a favourite now. Also loving that engine and the graphics.

★ps4:
-witcher 3 very good game. one of my favourites of all time if i say so myself - though getting the bad ending was not my intention and now it leaves a bad taste in my mouth ;;
-diablo III you wanna run around and feel like a god? play this game as a necromancer ////
-farcry 4 aka outdoor simulator - civil war edition
-fallout 4 so yea, i got exactly what i expected, bethesda roleplaying wasteland simulator. I really tried focusing on the main story only, so there's endless stuff to explore still. if i decide to get the dlcs too, i could whack another 50 hours into this. liked this, not more than skyrim probs but it was still very cool
-dmc well, it kinda WAS a dmc 3 reboot, but the game itself as very nice. keeping it, i'll do this again on a harder difficulty someday. the gameplay is a lot of fun
-digimon world: next order finished, after all. mental note that digimon world =/= digimon game. fun nonetheless, but I'm glad i have this done
-child of light the game wasn't bad, but it felt like a chore since it wasn't at all what i wanted from it (expected a platformer, got some kind of rpg hybrid) I'm just glad it's done //
-layers of fear seen so many times, had to play it myself, solid, but nothing special.
-detention I'm in awe.
-bloodborne even more edgy dark souls. infuriating,but fun nonetheless
-persona 5 absolutely mindblowing. I'm hugeky impressed by the studio and all people involved, especially the voice actors
-dmc 4 same as always, though compared to dmc it was almost underwhelming. i love all the character designs and attacks and all that, it's always so creative, but the rest is... passable
-dark souls 3 quite honestly? it was very grating at times, but i wouldn't bat an eye and buy dark souls remastered when it's on sale. when i had fun, i had a lot of fun. it takes practice and is addicting, i broke some personal records there with playing 17 hours straight in one session // but music, design, gameplay? marvelous.
-senran kagura estival versus i love this game. case closed - fr though, it can get repetitive when playing it for too long, but other than that it's a great time-waster
-akiba's trip that was actually an interesting experience! more the visual novel with routes and all that than something like senran kagura (which i expected) might maybe pick it up again??
--bioshock 1 already watched it some years ago, but i think playing it for myself was def worth it. curious to see where the next game picks up!

now I can only brace myself for what's to come, but I'm honestly kinda looking forward to the new courses?? new mindsets and ideas to discover and meditate on, that's exactly what I wanted from university.
less time to play naturally, but I'll fit it in somehow. ph is really only on hold if I have exams/papers. with some plans (re-)discovered I decided to stay here anyways :³

I have to finalize my timetable for the semester yet, I'm worried about having extra full days, but I guess it could be worse.
I'm trying to stay positive, and don't drop myself into some abyss of depression. same old story really, but I'm just so tired of myself breaking away from everything and everybody when my mood turns blue. I'm just making things harder on myself

currently stuck on 'larger' games, it's hard to complete it in a good time while enjoying as much of it as I can. I guess I have to slow down for some games cause they're too awesome to be just rushed through (talking about you, witcher 3)

should I get my sister something for her birthday? she doesn't deserve it at all but I also don't feel like being the dink of the party again |D maybe browse some amazon and find something she might like (or just get her some vg, I can judge these things a bit better)
edit; that lil frog just wants cash from me

but now I feel your stress

le perv still goes mad dumb aaa a a

OH GOD SO VIRGIL IS NEROS DAD
AND DANTE ACTUALLY GETS OLDER
SO HOW OLD IS HE IN THE 4TH, 60???
IM DEAD

note to future lei;
sangria is super tasty but don't drink it in the morning, you'll be a depressed sack all day



is this what heartbreak feels like
haha,
just kinda moody lyrics from here on out;

one thing I know is for certain
we cannot have all we want
still this will not stop the hurting, it is never gone
now I hold on to the one thing
too fragile to stand on its own
the fortress we built it is crumbling, still I can’t let go
I can’t let you go
-----
but then our star rushes in
feeling like a child and looking like a woman
she has been forecast with an attempt to kill herself
but the ending didn't test well
-----
you'll sing to the dirt, praying for the break of dawn
night will bring the presence of a ravenous demon setting out to terrify
soul destructive like imploding stars
there's nothing but the darkness to guide the way
there's nothing left inside
-----
light the way and let me go
suffocate inside
I will break and watch you crawl
bury me alive

with every day the exam is getting closer I have less motivation to study, mostly because I feel that I'm not having a good enough grip on the material. I just hope I can power through this somehow.
I'm thinking of other things these days, studying is none if em. It's boring too.
No idea how to continue all this, I'm not the type just to drift off into uncertainty.
Not anxious, but uneasy.

and every step that I aim to take
I fall behind
and every leg that I have to break
these scars are mine
and everyday that I'd pray for you
I close my eyes
at least I can say that we made it through
the stars aligned

---

suffering from constant fatigue these days (even though I barely did anything), and fell asleep while reading and playing games. After checking it might be iron shortage? I'll give that a try I guess, did lose some blood too.
But it was never this bad, as long as I'm just lounging around I can stay awake, but these past days I felt narcoleptic. Just hoping it's not the caffeine withdrawal, haven't had a lot im a while but planned to drink some soonish.
((tl;dr, note down what helps/makes it worse; just one week left until school really starts and you need to be in top form lei. classes from 10 til 19? Well that's your own fault ///)))

---

stop lights are swaying and the phone lines are down, floor is crackling cold. she took my heart, I think she took my soul. with the moon I run, far from the carnage of the fiery sun
driven by the strangle of vein, showing no mercy, I'd do it again. open up your eyes, you keep on crying, baby, I'll bleed you dry. skies are blinking at me, I see a storm bubbling up from the sea
you who shook my bone, leaving me stranded all in love on my own. do you think of me? where am I now? baby, where do I sleep? feels so good, but I'm old, two thousand years of chasing taking it's toll

I can't even really describe it; I feel restless, chased. Not able to relax.
Whatever I do, it feels like I'm wasting time. Like I'm on a constant time crunch.
Sleep feels like my only release. But I can't sleep 16 hours a day... I just want to know what's wrong with me.
I can't go outside, or speak in full sentences. Not anymore. I've withdrawn completely, I have no courage left.

there's no pardon for a meddling soul
somewhere in time we welcomed in the fall; now in the distance I can see shining clear, our demise to be: we're not listening to ourselves

---

WHY DOES BURNLEY SOUND THIS GREAT EVEN LIVE, ITS NOT FAIR ♡♡
wise men wonder while strong men die

so cold makes me think of a crush I once had, weird how some songs retain their meaning even after all these years. Hurts to listen in, but I seriously love the song, it's one of these tracks that paint a picture on your head, a scenario, have a story.

These are probably the best and worst songs to have as favourite tracks. (on the top of my head I can also think of trash, diamond on a landmine, ow my feelings, shallow bay, blood on the leaves, vacances de '87, shiver, halleluja, roter sand, I don't care, absolution calling, ...)

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found some of my old writing, sad to say that I always wrote half a novel and then stop at 20k words, because I went all chaotic with the situation. I wonder if I can salvage any of the writing and finish it, but it has some kinda messed up things in it I can't even remember I ever thought of. My attention is also very short, I start out like a writing addict and then drop the project after some weeks, so I can just imagine the rest without writing it down.

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two weeks of holidays left.
I got a lot done, now there's really only studying, passing that one exam and starting out school left for me to do. No clue what to do if I don't pass. I don't have any plan b, and I don't know if failing this is actually game-breaking. Though two weeks should be enough to get that material internalized, right?

Finished a lot of games these months, everything I wantes to even. These stories will be with me for the rest of my life now, I tend to take these experiences with me. Persona 4 fake ending, the real hatoful boyfriend route, final fantasy xv, one shot, kingdom hearts, and more that still mess with me when I think about them. New music I gathered during this break too, some more cheerful tunes.

The year is almost over, even. Hard to believe, last years new years eve feels like it was just a few weeks ago. Time really flies when you get older...
ahh just pouring my blood into this diary aren't I.
I'm lonely haha

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just say it out loud to see how it feels
people say, "don't say this, don't say that"
just say out loud, just to see how it feels
weigh all the options, nothing's off the table

today I thought about killing you, premeditated murder