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I'm Feeling Lucky

Searching for: Posts from SakuraWolf23.
Posted: Mon, 30/06/2025 04:41 (23 Hours ago)
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[Reading - A Court of Thorns and Roses]

I spent today doing some things that needed to be done, and then played Genshin for a few hours. Got two more chances at Skirk, and like five more on the Standard (which I'm at like 50 Pity on)

But most of today was actually spent in the bedroom keeping dad company while reading A Court of Thorns and Roses.

OMFG. I'd already read the Assassin short stories and the first book with Celaena, so I knew Sarah J Maas was a talented storyweaver. But ahhh! I just finished the chapter where Feyre is given the riddle, and I figured out before she did her mistake in making the deal. Despite how cleverly she was with the wording, she didn't catch the "immediately" in one option and the lack of it in the other.

Right now, I'm so torn between Tamlin, Lucian, and...*mumbles* Rhysand. :O What? If you know me, you know I gravitate towards those types of characters. Ahh! I'm so looking forward to seeing if Feyre breaks the curse in this book. <3

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Posted: Sun, 29/06/2025 22:00 (1 Day ago)
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I'm sorry for all the health-related posts I've been making recently. The last three months have been challenging for me. What with how much weaker the hospitalization from the collapsed lung made my dad. Learning that my mom has cancer. Finding out all these things wrong with me that need to be fixed relatively quickly so that I don't wind up as weak as my dad when I hit my 50s.

Although I do have people to talk to, I feel like I don't because, well. I'm the one living with him. I know what he's going through and how difficult life has become for both of us. Why would I want to talk about the struggles with the family that doesn't get to see him often? Why would I want to hurt them, knowing there's nothing they can do about it? Why would I want to make them feel bad for not being able to see him as often?

It's just...Some of you might be going through similar situations. But I don't know. It just feels different and less painful to discuss it with strangers.

I'm honestly so sick and tired of anything and everything I post being put down. Can't be excited about things. Can't express my hurt about things. Definitely cannot stand up for myself. I don't have anyone. At least here, based on the likes on my posts and comments, I can pretend that people care about me and are interested in what's going on in my life. Even though clearly, nobody is. -_-

Which is why as much as I feel like I should just completely fall silent, I don't want to let these jerks win. Think what you want of me. Better yet. Think of what I'm going through right now, and ask yourself how much better than me you would handle things?

Then again, I can look at things like this. The only reason someone is upset with me about posting all this health stuff is because they're jealous of how well I'm handling it. Or they're jealous of my connection with my parents. That doesn't justify the way you're treating me.

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Posted: Sun, 29/06/2025 16:35 (1 Day ago)
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Okay, so did not expect to be told that I'm being attacked because of posting about my health.

First off. Didn't know a Chimaera was a fish. I just could have sworn it was spelled that way. And I felt you were mocking me for my ignorance there, but I'm not sure if I just misread the tone. I have a list of my mental and physical problems

https://projectsandhealthsw23.carrd.com

that I keep updated so I can inform medical professionals when asked what problems I have. It is also for others who have the same/similar problems to have someone to talk to. Who in the world would WANT to "collect" issues? Nobody WANTS things to be wrong with them. Especially not this many.

Second. I have TWO tubes in the right kidney. TWO extra ribs at the base of the neck. THREE nerve strands instead of two in my heart. And yet, you're questioning how I came to the conclusion that I'm a Chimera. It makes perfect sense. What doesn't make sense is how getting excited about the possibility of being a Chimera make me crying to the world to look at how special I am.

What would you do? Would you rather sit there and feel sorry for yourself because you have so many physical abnormalities? Would you choose, as someone already dealing with extreme depression and self-worth issues, to dwell on how much is wrong with you? To let this further your belief that the world would be better off without a monster like you?

Or would you choose to believe you are your twin? I don't believe this is a means to make YOU think differently of me. I believe this because it's better than allowing everything that's wrong with me and my life to destroy me. I'm believing this for ME.

No matter what I post in my journal, I will be attacked. Post about real life, I'm told gaming journals are not the place. Post about gaming-related stuff, and we'd go back to the times of the Father/Daughter duo where I'd be accused of being condescending and rubbing my victories (like all my FoS Hoenn Shadows) in people's faces. I wouldn't be allowed to be excited about any of my victories or progress without someone taking offense.

Would think after FIVE YEARS of harassment, y'all'd be over me by now. Please only bring my name up when I'm doing or believing something wrong that actively harms others. Who cares if I think I'm a Chimera. It doesn't affect you or your life. Leave me be.

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Posted: Thu, 26/06/2025 04:47 (4 Days ago)
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Okay, so. You know how over the last two years, I've complained about random occurrences of nausea, dizziness, chills, and feverish feelings, but with no actual fever or other symptoms of being truly sick? Well. After a conversation with the doctor a month ago, we've managed to tie those symptoms to moments of constipation.

Ever since dad's stay in the hospital in April, he's been having issues with bowel movements. If he doesn't take Miralax every three days, his digestive system goes on vacation. So when I noticed I'd had three days of barely going, I knew it was important enough to go in.

I have Diverticulosis, which is having small pouches or pockets in the inside walls of the intestines. It develops when the inside lining of your intestines pushes into weak spots in the outer wall. As you digest food and food waste, the waste pushes against the weak spots until they eventually cave in.

Infections can occur because waste gets diverted into those pouches instead of continuing down the intestines, or pieces of constipation can get lodged in the pouches and prevent passage for other waste. These provide the symptoms of nausea, dizziness, chills, intense cramping (thankfully, rarely get), abdominal tenderness/pain (which I've been assuming were kidney stones because I had them once last year), and fever (strangely, just higher than normal temps for me, and not actually temps that qualify as fever).

This condition is permanent and needs to be managed. Laxatives must be taken every couple of days to ensure a smooth process of waste through the intestines. Diverticulitis, however, is an infection that, if it progresses far enough, can cause sepsis. That is why laxatives and/or a high-fiber diet are needed as preventative measures. So yeah, yet another thing to add to my list of issues, lol. At least I finally have an answer to what was causing those symptoms.

><><><><><

When I was a teen, I loved watching medical shows like "I've Been Impaled," "Monsters Inside Me," "I am my own Twin," "Pregnant and Didn't Know," etc.

So dad and I started talking, and we've established that since I have

Duplex Collecting System in my right kidney (two tubes to the bladder instead of one)
Wolff-Parkinson-White (an extra or more nerve signal strands in the heart, though note I had surgery to fix this)
And now the Bilateral cervical ribs at C7 (an extra set of ribs at the base of my neck that only up to 1% of people have at birth, and are more common in females)

That maybe I'm not deformed, but I am my own twin?! I'm going to discuss the possibility with my PCP, as it's been so long that I don't quite remember all the details from this episode, but a woman wound up needing a transplant, and got one matching her genetics, but her body rejected it. Come to find out the genetic coding in her bone marrow was different than that of the rest of her body. So if I am a Chimaera, it might be medically important to know. ^.^

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Posted: Wed, 25/06/2025 21:23 (5 Days ago)
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*sighs* Went in for recent hip pain, and the X-rays discovered multiple things wrong with my back. This explains why my neck has hurt so badly for the last month. Last I knew, 15 or so years ago, I had a 12-degree curvature of the spine to the left. Now it's worsened so that it's in a C shape. Looks like I'm going to need braces or surgery.

-Multiple chronic alignment abnormalities and multilevel degenerative facet disease

-Reversal of the normal cervical lordosis in the inferior levels
-Mild levoscoliosis through the cervicothoracic juncture
-Grade 1 anterolisthesis at C4-5
-Fusion at C5-6, likely developmental
-Hypertrophic and degenerative changes in multiple cervical facet joints
-Bilateral cervical ribs at C7 (these are basically vestigial ribs)
-Patent neural foramina bilaterally

So I updated my list of Health Issues
https://projectsandhealthsw23.carrd.co/

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Posted: Sun, 22/06/2025 22:03 (8 Days ago)
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[Gaming - Genshin Impact]

Ahhh! I just finished Skirk's story quest and love her even more! I want to show/give her the life she fears to have, and help her defeat Surtologi.

At some point, I will have to clean out my quest list and never let it get this long again, lol. But I will start Sumeru the next time I log in, as I desperately want Skirk! <3

America - 637022110

I don't often allow co-op, as I'm trying to complete quests. Even so, I know there are Event Quests you have to send/trade stuff with friends, so you'll have help with that at least. ^.^

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Posted: Sun, 22/06/2025 00:14 (9 Days ago)
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[Gaming - Genshin Impact]

Ahh! That was a productive 3 hours!

I got Kirara, Keqing, and Furina suited up properly: Kirara with 2 Tenacity and 2 Vourukasha, Keqing with 4 Thunderbird, and Furina with 4 Ocean Hued Clam! Upgraded Kirara's BiS weapon as best as I could, and switched Keqing's weapon to her 5th BiS (as it's the best I have). Leveled up arties for all three of them.

But most importantly, after actually reading what Ocean-Hued Clam is supposed to do, I realized I'd been playing Furina wrong. I'd set her up as a Healer, but then was using her creatures for more damage. Once I realized I needed her to have the Heal Clam on the field, I switched tactics, and...

I can now relatively easily beat the Hydro Tulpa, Inquisitous Baptist, and Lupus Boreas at Adventure Level 50. However, I do think I'm on the World Level below what I should be because AL50 has been too hard for me for the longest time.

Oh! I also just upgraded Keqing's Ultimate to Level 8. Her other two skills are Level 7. She's really coming along nicely! ^.^

Five more pulls today for Skirk. Got another Dahlia. Going to spend the rest of tonight writing or playing Diablo IV, and then start the Sumeru Quest tomorrow to try to get the 2k Primogems for the Aranara quest. And because I can't bring myself to do the Natlan Dainsleif quest without first doing the Sumeru and Fontaine ones (as I'm aware his quests are only once after the completion of an area's Archon Quests).

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Posted: Sat, 14/06/2025 15:45 (16 Days ago)
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I just got an ask on Tumblr—that I know is in response to my recent journal post—telling me to get a job. I blocked them, but I'm still saying.

I HAVE one. It's called caring for my dad, who is on oxygen 24/7, and bedridden for most of the day. I am basically In Home Care Service for him. And yes. Contacting DSHS on Monday to figure out how to become a paid one.

I don't know how to drive. YET. It's summer, and dad can't teach me. Even if he could, I will NOT get a job while he's still alive. What if his lung collapses again and he falls and is unable to get help? My mom has cancer, and will be going through chemo/radiation for the first time. Since I know how weak it made dad, I will also be taking care of her.

I'm not going to get a job for the next 3-5 years. You're a pos if you think I am. The ONLY jobs I am trying for now are: Becoming an Artist, Getting Affiliated on Twitch, and Getting tipped for being a Content Creator.

After? Yes. I plan on getting a job at a library.

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Posted: Sat, 14/06/2025 06:42 (16 Days ago)
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Dad: *calls me into the bedroom* The next time you go to the store, can you get me Fudgsicles? It's been a while, and I want some.
Me: We've got some Moose Track Ice Cream Sandwiches. Do those count?
Dad: No. I want Fudgsicles. But I'll take one of those.
Me: No. It's 11.30.
Dad: *holds out hand like he's holding up a card*
Me: Are you seriously playing the Cancer card?
Dad: *like Stitch* Yes.
Me: *rolls eyes and gets him one*
Dad: Why you no get one?
Me: Because I don't have Cancer.
Dad: *looks at sandwich, looks at me, holds out hand* Want to borrow my card?
Me: Ooh. *smiles, takes, hands back, and walks out to get my own sandwich*

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Posted: Sat, 14/06/2025 04:54 (16 Days ago)
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Lmfao. Why is it that when several people hate someone for doing something, it's okay?
But when I mention that I hate the same person for the same reason, I'm suddenly a whiny witch?
If you're going to call me out for voicing my opinion, call out the others doing the same thing!
In my mind, calling out only me is harassment.

On the other hand, I'm glad something was said about me.
This poor widdle wolfcat was feeling forgotten. :'(
Not that I want you to attack me, but damn.
This September makes FIVE YEARS.
MOVE THE HELL ON ALREADY!

Like seriously? Both parents have cancer. One is terminal. One is incurable.
Most of my day is spent packing for our move, taking care of rl priorities as spoons allow, and caring for dad.
Pretty soon, I'll also be taking care of my mom while she's going through chemo/radiation treatments.
I STILL have to deal with how dad handles me, and I hardly have time to write or game/stream anymore.

Don't think I don't know what you're secretly thinking.
That everything happening to me is punishment for my past actions and beliefs.
If you genuinely believe that, then why do you keep saying things to hurt me more?
Why don't you just sit back and enjoy the negative things continuing to happen to me?
You don't need to rub salt in the wound and make me feel worse about myself.
I can't tell you how many times I've seriously contemplated kms over the last two months.
How many times I cry myself to sleep, think I'm unworthy of love, that people are friends with me out of pity.
Please just stop.

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Posted: Fri, 06/06/2025 16:28 (24 Days ago)
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Soooo....My brother messaged me regarding mom's consultation yesterday.

They went over her scans and everything and established that, although she is not terminal, her cancer is NOT curable. They are discussing with a Tumor board to see if they can get some more biopsies done (don't really know why they've needed so many) because the area they want to do now is close to some major blood vessels.

My mom had told me she was also going to have a chemo port put in, so I expected, like, daily chemotherapy or something for 6-8 weeks. According to my brother, she will be receiving treatment for the rest of her life. The doctor said he had another patient who's been on treatment for five years now, and is currently cancer-free, but he's scared that if he stops treatment on them, the cancer will come back.

I'm trying so very hard not to freak out, but I'm crying right now. It was bad enough knowing that my time with dad is guaranteed to be cut short. But now knowing that I might not have as much time left with my mom either? I can't. I just freaking can't.

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Posted: Fri, 06/06/2025 00:42 (25 Days ago)
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It's been many years since dad made his grilled cheese sandwiches, so I thought I'd try making them myself. Y'all are probably thinking "whoopdee. It's not that difficult."

Okay. So first, I made them what dad calls "the right way" (though I technically did it wrong XD).

First, I toasted the bread in a frying pan and then added butter and garlic pepper. Apparently, I was supposed to add butter and cinnamon and melt 'em WHILE toasting the bread. And according to him, I wasn't toasting them enough to get truly toasted because I was nervous of burning them.

Second. I cut enough block cheese to add 1 1/2 slices per sandwich. Dad came in about that time, and "saved" the meal by cutting and adding enough slices for 1 1/2 pieces PER piece. He took over then, closed them all up, and toasted the sandwiches just a bit longer for the cheese to melt.

Third. We cut them diagonally and ate each bite after dipping it into tomato soup. ^.^

Dad says it tasted surprisingly good for the mix-up in steps, but that it was better with cinnamon. I told him I thought I did very well remembering the steps (albeit out of order) since it had been so long. And that I was glad I'd done it without asking him for help.

Of course, that got a response of "Not asking is why you mess up so many things." Welp. Sorry. But you won't always be around to supervise me. And I have to learn how to do things myself. Even if it winds up being a strange way that works for me. So long as I'm no longer co-dependent, I'm glad! ^.^

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Posted: Thu, 05/06/2025 05:38 (25 Days ago)
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My 100th Shadow of Hoenn is Seviper! I was hoping for Spinda, but I like Seviper, so it's okay. 55 more to go! 9 Legends and 5 Starters. Not looking forward to the days to weeks without a new one, though. -_-

Johto was Unown I, and Kanto was Aerodactyl.

And I swear. I'll get to continuing Angel of the Shadows. Just in the process of doing A LOT of work to pack things, tidy up the house, and other real-life priorities before our move. Not to mention dealing with both parents having cancer.

Then learning that dad might ALSO have to have chemo and radiation if this current treatment of his continues not to shrink the mass in his neck. And now I'm worried cause remember. If no treatment works, it shortens his life from 3-5 years to 6 months-2 years.

I don't understand why all this is happening to me. I wish I could have some good news and happiness for once.

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Posted: Mon, 02/06/2025 15:46 (28 Days ago)
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...

Dad pings me into the bedroom. I go in there, and he's breathing super heavily. He asks me to hand him his oxygen. Since he usually has it on all night (and during the day only when out and about or otherwise active), I asked him why he wasn't wearing it.

He told me he went to the bathroom (I didn't know) and that he'd planned on getting up (I remember that; apparently, he decided he wanted more time in bed). Here's the kicker.

Dad then started complaining about how I made him unload all the boxes of flooring into the trailer, and crawl around under the vehicle to fix something.

I'm just standing there like O.O. Obviously, I'd never do that, but my point is...

You seriously freaking got your body worked up over a dream? Lmfao. You should probably try not to follow through to the end on most workout dreams.

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Posted: Sat, 31/05/2025 16:49 (30 Days ago)
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[Gaming - PokeFarm Q]

Rant

-_- Yet ANOTHER First on Site Melan gotten by one individual. How in the world does this person always have so much GP? I've got 44k, and that was from my dad and me saving for several months.

WHY do they insist on trying so hard EVERY TIME? I would try only for FoS Melans of ones I found insanely cute. NOT for EVERY. SINGLE. FREAKING. NEW. RELEASE. Especially when you have insane luck with specials.

Don't even start on me getting so many FoS Hoenn Shadows. Even though they're all a matter of RNG, in my opinion, it's different. Yeah. If there's a Legend/Starter, I won't take a break until I catch it. But it's by far more of an equal opportunity for the community than Melans or Shiny Megas.

I hate the FoS Melan Obtaining by one person as much as the Spriters claiming FoS of the Pokémon they created. Yes. They deserve a Shiny. But the community deserves the fun of the competitive race to see who gets the FoS.

Seriously, though? Give others a chance!!!

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Posted: Thu, 29/05/2025 20:58 (1 Month ago)
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Okay, so the dentist checkup is done. He said my teeth looked very good for not getting a checkup in 7+ years.

I have five cavities. Two or three of them are on teeth with prior restoration just underneath the filling. This means that the previous filling will be removed and a new filling placed. The teeth getting the secondary restoration will be watched for fractures and later receive crowns.

It's a good thing I chose NOW to go in due to sensitivity to cold on two of the teeth. One had a cavity approaching the center of the tooth where the nerves are. This minor pain could have become waaaay more severe if I'd waited.

Tomorrow, I get to call to schedule appointments in July. One will consist of a cleaning, one for one to two cavity fillings, and one for a consultation for braces (I've actually wanted braces for years, but a mix of self-consciousness and hating the dentist kept me from doing it).

Sadly, Molina doesn't cover Adult Braces. Google says the average price is $3k-$15k. Based on the parts the dentist said would need to be fixed, dad is expecting the lower side. But the quote from the consultation will determine if we actually go through with getting braces or not.

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Posted: Tue, 27/05/2025 00:30 (1 Month ago)
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Today's Accomplishments

Two loads of laundry (15 minutes)
Removed shelfing from bookshelf and cleaned it (10 minutes)
Moved Bookshelf to car (5 minutes)
Packed five Walmart Reusable Totes with books (5 minutes)
Reboxed Stamp Collection (15 minutes)
Did some shopping (15 minutes)
Swept and cleaned up my room to organize better (15 minutes)
Phone Call (10 minutes)

I still need to put the bedding back on my bed, which will take another ten minutes.

Sometimes, I see things like this and think, "That's only 100 minutes of work. You have no right to complain when people work 6-15 hours a day, and then come home to house chores, kids, or other things."

But I have to remind myself that—like writing—any day that anything is done is better than nothing. I might not be happy with the amount I have accomplished, and other people will definitely feel like I should have done more since it was so little physically.

But it's not the physical aspect of work that gets me. It's the mental strain from using more spoons than allotted for the day. The fact I now desperately want but can't have several days to recharge after (Granted, I feel like this would be allowed more often, provided I hadn't spent the last ten years regularly taking weeks to months to "recharge"). But when I do enough so I don't feel like streaming, writing, crocheting, drawing, watching TV, anything I love after...Or when I can't even bring myself to shower, I've done too much that day.

This is so my fault, and I know that. I took advantage of leniency for far too long. I fought suggestions, schedules, and structure because the pressure of knowing I had to do things made me not want to do them even more. I didn't know I had ADHD or Autism until just a few years ago. Not that that justifies things now, but I shouldn't have to learn how to cope and adjust on my own. And I know that until I have proven with my actions that I've changed, people will continue to see me as how I portrayed myself originally.

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Posted: Tue, 27/05/2025 00:30 (1 Month ago)
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I'm to the point where, on days that I plan on being very busy getting stuff done around the house, that I'm going to completely turn off my phone.

Phone calls and pms wind up being nothing but a derailing distraction.

My ADHD makes it to where if I don't finish the current task I'm on before being interrupted, I lose the drive and desire to do it.

Then, I either sit there for half an hour unable to do anything out of frustration and executive dysfunction. And when I finally get up the motivation to get back to work, I might not even complete what I started. I might have forgotten about it completely or saw something else that needed done, too.

The muscle in my lower right back is hurting again, but I can't just take it easy when so much needs done. And if I take it too easy, I'm being lazy and a wimp.

Mental health be damned. Everything that needs done all this summer is going to burn me out so badly. But I'm the only one who can do most of it. Can't rely on others to have days off, or to come when they say they will. And especially don't want to be the cause of people taking sick leave or personal days just to help out. Save that for when YOU need it.

Being Neurodivergent and being forced into a sense of normalcy because "ADHD, Autism, and the likes are just excuses to be lazy and a drain on society" just absolutely sucks. Having depression and anxiety on top of that and barely having the energy to care for yourself every day but being made to act normal just drains the energy faster. How do Working Neurodivergents push through for long periods of time without breaking down?

🌸❤️🌸🧡🌸💛🌸💚🌸💙🌸💜🌸


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Posted: Mon, 26/05/2025 01:35 (1 Month ago)
🌸❤️🌸🧡🌸💛🌸💚🌸💙🌸💜🌸

*sighs in silence*

🌸❤️🌸🧡🌸💛🌸💚🌸💙🌸💜🌸


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Posted: Thu, 22/05/2025 04:10 (1 Month ago)
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I'm looking to sell some of my OCs/Art. I lost connection with them, never fully connected with them, or always intended to sell them (the ones by me). They're all for the price I paid for them or, when it comes to my art/fills, what I thought they should go for.

ToyHouse

🌸❤️🌸🧡🌸💛🌸💚🌸💙🌸💜🌸


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